Ask Dr. Brinkman

‘Women & Men’ Category

Why Do People Act the Way They Do

Wednesday, July 1st, 2015

Dr. Rick Brinkman explains why people act the way they do and what you can do about it, to employees of ITV London, UK at their December Lunch & Learn.

 

The “Why” of Why Men Don’t Say, “I’m sorry” As Often As Women

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

In the last post I linked you to Canadian researchers who found that men were just as willing to apologize as women, except that more often they didn’t think they did anything wrong.
As a Conscious Communicator it’s important to know that how someone knows if they’ve “done something wrong” is based on their behavioral definition. Meaning these behaviors x and y equals doing something wrong and therefore warrants apology.
Actions and words – especially those words that define behavior – mean different things to different people. For example, some people define “listening” as quietly taking in everything another person is saying, while other people define “listening” as asking questions and sharing their own experiences.
As a born and bred New Yorker I grew up with the definition of “being on time” meaning anywhere within 20 minutes of the time you said you would be. This definition comes from the fact that in New York City anything can happen at any time. You can be stopped by a motorcade from the UN, stuck in a subway, or moving at molasses in January speed in traffic. When I moved to the west coast I had experiences of people being annoyed at me for showing up 10 minutes late by their definition, while I thought made good time. 😉
Differences in behavioral definitions are a very common cause of conflict between people. 

You’ll know it’s time to get behavioral definitions if someone says to you, “You don’t ______” — and you know you do. Reply by saying with intent, “I would like to _____.” 

Follow up with, “How would you know if I did ____?  Clarify with questions until the other person is completely behaviorally specific. Then ask, “How do you know that I don’t ____?”
For example if the other person says you don’t “care”, the root of the issue could either be that you are “not” doing something equals “caring” to them or that you “are” doing something that equals not “caring.

In the last post I linked you to Canadian researchers who found that men were just as willing to apologize as women, except that more often they didn’t think they did anything wrong.

As a Conscious Communicator it’s important to know that how someone knows if they’ve “done something wrong” is based on their behavioral definition. Meaning these behaviors x and y equals doing something wrong and therefore warrants apology.

Actions and words – especially those words that define behavior – mean different things to different people. For example, some people define “listening” as quietly taking in everything another person is saying, while other people define “listening” as asking questions and sharing their own experiences.

As a born and bred New Yorker I grew up with the definition of “being on time” meaning anywhere within 20 minutes of the time you said you would be. This definition comes from the fact that in New York City anything can happen at any time. You can be stopped by a motorcade from the UN, stuck in a subway, or moving at molasses in January speed in traffic. When I moved to the west coast I had experiences of people being annoyed at me for showing up 10 minutes late by their definition, while I thought made good time. 😉

Differences in behavioral definitions are a very common cause of conflict between people. 

You’ll know it’s time to get behavioral definitions if someone says to you, “You don’t ______” — and you know you do. Reply by saying with intent, “I would like to _____.” 

Follow up with, “How would you know if I did ____?  Clarify with questions until the other person is completely behaviorally specific. Then ask, “How do you know that I don’t ____?”

For example if the other person says you don’t “care”, the root of the issue could either be that you are “not” doing something equals “caring” to them or that you “are” doing something that equals not “caring.

Why Don’t Men Say I’m Sorry

Saturday, October 9th, 2010
Roses

organicbouquet.com

Sharon Jayson reports for USA Today that women apologize more than men, but it’s not because they commit more wrong doing. They just think they do.

New research on apologies from Canadian psychologists finds that men have a “higher threshold” for bad behavior, meaning they just don’t see “wrong” the same way women do, according to a study online in the journalPsychological Science.

Read full article, highly recommended here